Being Satisfied vs. Being Happy

Have you ever been so determined to beat a level on a mobile game you've stayed up way too late, gotten angry, maybe even threw your phone when you lost?

If so, you clearly weren't happy playing it. Yet you played it anyway because the satisfaction of beating a particularly hard level is a powerful incentive. When you finally win you feel a sense of accomplishment. You're a winner! You're proud of yourself.

And you might mistake this feeling for happiness.

Before I went blind my life was spent in pursuit of satisfaction. Difficult challenges at work brought out the competitive nature in me. I got a kick out of doing the things my coworkers couldn't and making myself the most valuable, necessary member of the team. If you could weld 1,000 parts in a shift I wouldn't stop until I welded 1,001.

Now that I'm blind I live in the moment. My life isn't a game anymore - I'm not approaching each new day as an opportunity to beat my previous high score. It took awhile but I understand I have intrinsic value. I'm more than just a solid work ethic and marketable skills.

I've mentioned a few times on this blog I'm happier now than I was when I could still see. Happiness has replaced the sense of pride I once felt, the pride of knowing the furniture and cabinets I built made the world a more beautiful place, the semi trucks I inspected made the highways safer, and the college math students I taught were on their way to high paying, important jobs in engineering and science.

Which is better - my new happiness or my old sense of professional accomplishment? I don't know.

The happiness seems a little selfish. There's a whole world out there in need of the skills I once brought to the table. There are empty shelves at the grocery store, home prices are skyrocketing, and people who can't math think Donald Trump won an election he lost by eight million votes. My people need me, but I dropped out of the game.

On the other hand, the happiness feels well earned. The world is more beautiful because of the woodworking I've done. Home prices were cheap in part because I wasn't ripping off the contractor or the sub when I gave them high quality cabinetry for what was probably less than the market value of my labor. Shelves were stocked when the trucks and trains I wrenched ran safely and dependably. And the scientists and engineers I taught are putting electric cars and trucks on the roads, satellites into orbit, and internet into third world countries.

I've done my part. The world is a better place because of the work I've done. Time to enjoy my grandbabies and dance to some New Wave music.

So why do I still miss it sometimes?

If there's a lesson in here it's probably to be mindful of what you're feeling. Recognize the difference between the satisfaction of making a difference and the happiness found in the little things. Both are good but they are not the same, and for some reason I don't yet understand the distinction seems very important to me today.