Reality Check
I did the best I
could. Linked her to a few of these blog posts, explained what I knew
about the grieving process, and offered my phone number in case her
brother wanted to call.
But her brother didn't want to call. He didn't want to talk to a therapist, didn't want to try walking with a white cane, wouldn't eat or drink. He told his sister he didn't want to live like this.
He was released from the hospital Friday. Saturday he asked his sister how the windows in the room worked. She innocently explained it to him. After she left the room he opened one and jumped.
His name was Matthew. He was 22 years old.
It's two o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. That poor girl has to live the rest of her life knowing she taught him how to open the window. My heart breaks for her.
I'm not the only Redditor she reached out to. I gave her the name of another moderator on r/Blind, one who is closer to her age who also lost his vision suddenly, and a third member of r/Blind told me she reached out to him, too.
All three of us feel like shit. I can only imagine his little sister feels 1,000 times worse.
Imagine telling your parents you taught your suicidal brother how to unlock the window from which he jumped. Or imagine being afraid to tell them and keeping it secret from them for the rest of your life.
Either way, you'll never be the same.
I've mentioned to a few people on Reddit that blind people can be assholes. We feel singled out and separated from the most important of our senses. We're pitied, ridiculed, discriminated against, and stuck in low paying jobs if we're employable at all. We can feel jealous, angry, and unloved. We don't fit in anywhere. Sometimes it seems the people trying to cure us are doing it because they're embarrassed by us, ashamed to have a blind person in their family. I imagine conversion therapy for gay kids feels like this, "We're doing this for your own good, son, but we're really doing this because we don't want to be the only ones in the neighborhood with a faggot in the family. You can come back when you're not an embarrassment anymore."
Yeah, we can be assholes. We've earned the right.
That being said, I really can't blame Matthew for what he did, but how I wish he could have done it in a way that didn't make his little sister feel like an accomplice.
I reached out to her when I heard the news. If she'll let me I'll keep checking up on her. She needs to know this was his choice, not hers. I don't know if it will do any good but I feel obligated to try.
I just wish I knew what to say.
To everybody reading this, friends or enemies, blind or sighted, be compassionate and kind. I know I haven't been a good example of that lately. I know I have to try harder. The unintentional pain we cause others through our thoughtlessness can ripple through a person's life forever.
For Matthew it's too late to realize what his thoughtlessness will do to his little sister. But it's not too late for us.
Be loving and gentle with the people in your lives. Our actions have wider consequences than we realize.
Little sister, I'm sending you much love and peace. Thank you for granting me permission to share Matthew's story.
